the way we love. It has changed the way we socialize and
it has also increased the likelihood of finding love over
the internet. Conversations are easy to strike up with
regularity and it's easy to discover that you have strong
feelings for someone who lives hundreds or thousands of
miles away from you! Many people are choosing to have
long distance relationships (LDRs) LDRs might feel
wonderful at first. However, they come with their own
set of unique challenges as well. Many couples are blind-
sided by the impact an LDR can have on their daily life.
This person can now feel so close to you because of the
internet and yet in reality, remain so far away. The
paradox is weighty. The more prepared you are to handle
the situation, the better equipped you both will be to
make decisions along the way that will benefit you and
your partner and possibly make it a safer and enjoyable
experience. In this article, I have addressed 10 areas that
you should pay special attention to when considering an
LDR:
Identity. Your parents always said "don't talk to
strangers." Long Distance Relationships that begin on
the internet go against that rule 100% If you've never
met the person, there is the issue of dealing with
someone who is not who they pretend to be. They
may also not be single. You don't know their history.
You only know what they tell you and what they show
you. If this is the case and you like the person and the
like you - I would recommend doing an online search
to make sure they are who they say they are. Even
then you cannot be sure but it's a start. If you feel like
your relationship could possibly get serious, the cost
of the search is an investment in attaining some level
of security.
Are they single? The internet is a perfect playground
for people who are intent on cheating emotionally or
physically. So you'll have to do your due diligence to
make sure they are available. Can you contact them
anytime you want? Do they relegate contact with the
during very tight windows of time? Do they suddenly
have to get off the phone or shut down their
connection? Can you reach them in the wee hours of
the morning or in the middle of the night and have
long conversations? Are they available during holiday
or have that job requiring them to work every
holiday?
Fidelity. Are they the loyal type (Presuming you are).
Because you are miles away, you don't have a birds'
eye view into their life. So if you have confirmed that
they are available, now you have to confirm that they
are just involved with you. That is something that can
be proven over time. The question is how long will it
take and do you have that time to invest? If so, then
you want to be certain that this is not someone who i
just using the internet to widen their player game.
When someone is into you - they are 100% available
for you and only you. It's easy to not pay attention to
the signs when they are right there in front of you
when the image on the camera is attractive or you're
being told everything you want to hear. So be
transparent with your life and ask the same of them. I
they rarely want to let you see them on the camera o
have issues with spontaneous conversations and are
rarely available or extremely controlling, chances are
you are not the only person in the picture or they are
just not that into you.
Holidays. Remember that holidays happen all
throughout the year. They will be a consistent
reminder that you are in an LDR. If you are serious
about maintaining your relationship you have to
realize that long distance relationships cost money. In
the beginning when emotions are high and love is in
the air, finances don't seem to be an obstacle. As a
matter of fact, there is nothing that seems to be able
to come between the two of you. However, reality set
in and catches many new lovers off guard. The desire
might be high to meet but the budget could be low,
unless it is planned for. So right out the gate, know
that if this long-distance relationship is ever to go to
the next level, you will have to take into account
expenses to make meet-ups a reality. Where there is a
will, there is a way. Both people should try to make
equal efforts to visit one another to avoid resentment
on the part of one party that could eventually break-
up the relationship. If that's not possible, then try to
share the cost of one person traveling to see the othe
If the holidays are approaching and it's not possible t
see one another, then you have to find a way to
maintain the intimacy in spite of the distance.
Insecurity. Long Distance Relationships are not for
everyone. Your trust will be tested. That combined
with the reality that you don't have the luxury of bein
able to get to know one another on a daily basis in
person and it can heighten the insecurities. You must
assess if you have the ability to withstand those
elements. You may have the potential for a great
relationship, but if you can't stand that strain, it's best
to be honest with yourself and with each other befor
going down that road. It is possible that you could
salvage a very good friendship instead or part ways
with dignity and care. Figure out ways to help one
another feel secure. Will you check in all throughout
the day, one a day or one a week or whenever you fe
like it? You have to establish what will make you both
feel comfortable and yet not suffocate one another.
Quite often the level of paranoia and insecurity is so
high that people end up stifling one another with thei
imaginations. This is a very important step to cover.
Also, what can you do for each other that will make
each of you feel special? Send periodic messages just
to let them know you are thinking of them. Really pay
attention to your partner and learn who they are, wh
they like, etc. If someone loves poetry, books or musi
- take time to send them a book of poems or create a
playlist and send to them. In these ways, you display
your affection across the miles and let them know yo
are thinking of them.
Conflict. Long Distance Relationships are already
stressful by their very nature. Try to minimize that
stress by choosing your fights. Is it worth it to argue
over every little thing? The relationship might not
survive it. When you do argue, ask yourselves are you
arguing over the issue or is the frustration from being
apart fueling the anger? Is it that important that your
partner showed up 5 or 10 minutes late for a skype
date or a phone call or are you really upset because
you want to see them? Try to remember that you bot
committed to this LDR. It is not necessarily anyone's
fault if you can't get your needs met exactly when yo
want to. It is a choice you both made so try and be as
compassionate and respectful with one another as
possible. The internet can only stand in for true
intimacy up to a certain point. On the other hand - if
you met someone whom you love deeply and that
love is very mutual, then time can endure much in
exchange for the great reward on the other side.
Communication. Communication is especially
important in LDRs. You will have to go the extra mile
to speak with clarity. This can be very trying for a lot
couples since we normally take for granted that we
always have time to clear up miscommunications
during the course of a day or at the end of the day
when we get home. LDRs can't always take it for
granted that they have that time. The relationship is
probably already strained, insecurities may lurk
beneath the surface and the slightest
miscommunication can bring negativity looming to
the surface, especially in the beginning. When you tie
into that, the fact that there may not be a lot of
physical contact or the knowledge that there won't b
any time soon - every miscommunication can be the
last straw that broke the camel's back. In a
relationship where two people are in daily contact
with one another, a misunderstanding can be
discussed later and the friction can be solved with
conversation, physical contact, affection and love-
making. (I am not suggesting love-making solves all
problems - but it helps if it can be part of the toolkit)
In your traditional relationship models it is easier, in
many ways, to resolve conflict. LDRs do not have that
luxury. If you don't deal with conflict well and avoid i
at all costs, LDRs offer an easy out. Every episode of
conflict can make the relationship better or worse
depending on how you view and respond to conflict.
So much hinges on what is said and what is not said. I
you're challenged with talking through conflict, have
problems knowing or expressing your feelings quickl
or know that you're a sensitive individual, rethink an
LDR. It doesn't mean it cannot work, but you both wil
have to work extra hard on your communication
styles and skill. Hanging up on one another angrily
with no assurance of working things out later, playing
possum and pouting for indeterminate periods of tim
are the bedrock failure for most relationships are buil
on, let alone LDRs. The only thing you have is
electronic communication between one another. If
you express your anger and discontent with one
another constantly by disregarding the
communication and one another time and time again,
you end up with simply an abusive relationship and
eventually nothing. Equate it with people in a
traditional relationship who are constantly walking
away from one another and giving one another the
silent treatment. How long would a relationship like
that last? So whatever you would not do in a
traditional relationship - don't do in an LTR. Cowards
act out and hide behind computers. Be better than
that.
Planning. A considerable amount of planning goes int
an LDR. Where two people who live in close proximit
of one another or who live together can coast from
day to day, playing much of their relationship by ear
so to speak, LDRs require more planning. Holidays,
dates, birthdays, etc all must be planned. If you can't
spend a holiday together, how will you find a way to
be "together"? How can you date one another over
distance? How can you make special days like
birthdays and Valentine's Day feel special considering
the physical absence of one another? Depending on
how far apart you presently live, you will have to
factor in the cost to mail gifts, surprises etc. Travel ha
to be factored in. If you have a job, you have to make
sure you schedule the vacation time you need. If
you're in school you have to work around that
schedule also. Time spent together which we take for
granted is now at a premium and becomes very
valuable.
Honesty. Honesty promotes intimacy. If you are not
willing to be honest about your feelings throughout
the relationship, think twice about being in an LDR.
You might feel like this is a safe haven because you
only have to share but so much of yourself in a
relationship over distance. You share what you want
and when you want. You control when you want to
talk to someone and when you want to be available. I
that's going to be the premise by which you operate,
then your LDR won't hold up over time. LDRs that last
and develop into long-term relationships evolve out o
continued and increasing intimacy. So if you struggle
with intimacy and interacting on a regular basis over
the long haul with someone, your relationship will ru
out of steam. Also if you feel you can't endure the
inherent limitations of physical contact with someon
on a regular basis then don't start down this road
either. Most of all, be honest to the person you are
dealing with in an LDR. You both made the choice an
since no one forced you to be involved. if you decide
to deal with someone that you can physically be with
or met someone who lives closer to you, remember
there is a real person on the other end of the line.
Don't just drop them because you can. Even though
your feelings or needs have changed, try your best to
treat them with respect and love. Give them the same
care you would want from them. Karma is always on
the job. What we don't need is a lot more hurt people
connecting on the internet than we already have.
Connect responsibly.
Creativity. If you accept this mission you have to ope
up your creativity in order to keep the spark alive.
When you are together virtually, things can become
mundane at times. Just as it can when two people wh
are physically together have been together for awhile.
Unless a couple in an LDR pays attention, it can
happen with them too. It can happen ever quicker
because of the frustration from lack of physical
connection or sexual contact. One person may be abl
to use their imagination to cross that physical bridge
while the other one can't. So you must be able to
gauge whenever that is happening and commit to sta
engaged. Here are some ideas to help jumpstart your
imagination:
Take the 5 Love Languages Test by Gary Chapman. Thi
will help you understand each other's love language s
you understand what the other needs to feel loved.
Watch tv together on skype.
Use music as a means of expression and connection t
one another. Share playlists, watch YouTube videos,
play an instrument for one another.
Meditate together with soothing music or a guided
visualization in the background.
Do "facetime" together when you're outside and sho
one another what you see via your phone camera
Take pictures and share them.
Make short videos and share them. They can be funn
videos, Dirty Dancing videos - just make sure to be
yourself!
Dress up and meet each other on Google hangout or
skype and eat dinner together.
Have a skype breakfast together where one person is
in the kitchen cooking the meal and the other person
is watching. Record and send a segment to your
partner for future savoring.
Make virtual vision boards together of your future
vision of your relationship. It will keep you motivated
to remain in the LDR vs. aimlessly staying in it with no
end in sight.
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